Today. Cloudy & cool. My favorite to hike in. Years taking photographs, seeking saturated colors & interesting skies, living in the PNW, have converted me to favoring an overcast day. Conversation with a friend. She’s experimenting with her diet. No dairy, sugar, gluten, grains. A disordered part of me wants to join her. I’ve weighed myself recently & saw the highest numbers of my life. My body continues to change & get bigger despite feeding it vegetables, taking it on walks, joining fitness challenges. Another friend texts to say she loves IF. I told her about it & no longer practice. A strong impulsive desire to join her too. The tracking app is still on my phone. A lifetime spent practicing disordered eating. Years in undiagnosed orthorexia. My mental health would suffer if I tried again. Another friend texts to say she hasn’t lost weight post a serious surgery & wants to use my fitness pal to track her food. I feel tired for her. We’ve spent too much time focusing on numbers. Cosmetic outcomes. Too little taking care of our bodies in weight neutral ways. Moving for the sheer pleasure of it. The afternoon is spent searching for the file with the spreadsheets from 8 years ago when I kept track of everything my body was doing. That year I moved towards a plant-based diet. I required myself to walk, jog or hike a minimum of 5 miles every morning. Just to earn the right to exist in my body. An entire year: no alcohol, caffeine, sugar, anything processed. I ran races, lifted weights, felt strong – but isolated, full of anxiety that one chocolate chip would throw me completely off track. Many compliments on my outer appearance, but rarely felt internal peace. I came across random photos while searching for the ‘body file’ & sent one to a friend because she looks glowy & happy. She replies “you are stunning.” I say “we were both beautiful & had NO IDEA.” She says “well, I knew you were, but you never believed me.” I feel tired again: for the stories we believe about ourselves, the missed moments, the constant chasing of ‘life will be better when,’ the not realizing we are lucky just to be alive. And the not believing that we are enough. Just as we are. Right now.
***Note – this was originally written for Instagram and therefore could only have 2200 total characters. I’ve left it that way for consistency, though I know it would benefit from paragraphs and better wording. I wrote it raw and left it that way. ♥***
The random found photo that I sent to a friend.A dress I loved but wouldn’t buy during the 5 mile a day time because I thought I needed to be smaller to splurge on it.Only fruits and veggies were allowed in my fridge.I spent a ton of time food prepping. It became tedious – but it was always so vibrant looking. The colors made me happy.
‘Time Traveler’; 11″x14″x3/4″ acrylic on wood panel
This abstract painting is looking for a new home. It is often in the photographing of the piece that I begin to see it more clearly. Or, see it beyond what my original intention was and more as what the painting itself wanted to express. Through the lens of my camera I saw the likeness of a person walking forward and pushing through a wall of some kind – and a sort of shadow self of that person just behind. Sometimes I hesitate to share what I see though – because I don’t want to influence what you see reflected in the image. I’m happy for you to claim it as your own and find your own meaning in the work.
11″x14″x3/4″
Acrylic on wood panel sealed with a matte finish
$85 local pick up
$105 shipped in the U.S. / shipping outside of the U.S. can be calculated upon interest
I’ve been doing a lot of writing this month. I joined a challenge to write a book – or 50,000 words, in 30 days. It has been in the back of my mind to write about some lifetime trauma and struggle – often started and stopped due to the voice in my head that insists no one will be interested. In October I came across this quote from Sandra Cisneros – whose first book in 28 years was being published – she said, “I’d throw my poems under the bed, like Emily Dickinson,” she said, ” One of the things I learned from Emily – Miss Emily, I should say with respect-is that you don’t have to publish in your lifetime, but you have to write.”
That completely freed me. I never have to share, but I do need to write. Words and memories have been pouring out of me. Each old wound up for re-examination, for feeling and letting go of, and hopefully, to earn a new narrative once I’m through processing.
This painting was made during the first 15 or so days of the writing process. It doesn’t look like my work to me, and I’ve been curious to see what shape it would take. A friend and I examined it one morning – and we both began to see a figure on the right hand side of the piece. I saw an owl, a caldron at the feet of the figure, some hands, and a discarded mask in a corner, and my friend said, ‘oh – that looks like your liver and a bunch of your insides…and that’s your third eye falling off the side of your face looking at the guts you’ve taken out…” We both got goosebumps and saw the expression of the writing process making its way onto the canvas.
The intuitive art making experience is so cool. I did start off with an idea for this work, but it quickly disappeared as I added colors and shapes randomly – and then the painting revealed itself
UPDATE – THIS HAS FOUND A NEW HOME – THANK YOU! :-)
I’ve become attached to having this one hanging on my wall . . . but it’s now varnished and ready to find a new home. It has changed ever so slightly from the previous post so these pictures are the final painting.
All photos have been taken in natural light to show the true colors to the best of my ability.
Acrylic and oil sticks and other things on wood panel. SOLD
UPDATE – THIS HAS FOUND A NEW HOME – THANK YOU! :-)
‘sail away’ will be available once it dries and is sealed [in about a week].
I’m loving being surrounded by all these colors . . . especially when the light hits it just right. I’d been trying to resolve this painting by attempting to reign in the chaos . . . then started to love how everyone who looked at it used their imaginations to see vastly different things within the chaos. . . . and witnessing their journeys made me happy. :-)
18x24x3/4″ acrylic, oil sticks and other things , on wood panel. SOLD
UPDATE – THIS HAS FOUND A NEW HOME – THANK YOU! :-)
For Sale – ‘Gypsy Soul’.
I’m really loving this one. It’s been a lesson in patience and layers and really trying to let the painting lead me. I listened to a lot of music while working and ‘Into The Mystic’ was on repeat … the painting revealing itself as ‘gypsy soul’. Hoping it will find a new home and give someone else the joy it’s given me. :-)
16x20x3/4″ on wood panel. Sealed with satin varnish.
$175 local / cash SOLD
$200 shipped in U.S.
**colors in the video seem off on my computer. please note several images posted here and on Instagram in different lighting settings to do my best to show true colors**
Now offering 75 minute sessions for both Swedish and Therapeutic Massage. When 60 minutes doesn’t feel long enough and 90 minutes is hard to carve out of your busy schedule …. give 75 minutes a try for that extra boost of relaxation.
I can’t believe we are already in August. Summer months seem to fly by as an adult.
I hope you’ve been able to get out and enjoy. Despite being someone who’s always melted in the heat – I’ve been really proactive about enjoying the outdoors while we can …. swimming, walking/hiking, reading a book in the sun, getting my hands in some dirt, making art, and dinners on the deck … because spending time in nature really improves my mental health. Outside of getting regular massage, any kind of outdoor movement seems to support me the best.
What helps you feel calmer or rejuvenated?
Hope to see you in my office soon. Until then, take care of you. ♥
Tania Palermo [Studio on Main] 