Today was one of the tougher ones. We are all facing our own challenges and changes, ups and downs. I’ve confided to friends how hard it is to be living alone through all of this. No physical contact with another soul, no one to talk with in the middle of the night, when the anxiety often shows up. No other income to rely on. They tell me how hard it is to be stuck at home when they are fighting with their partners, when the kids just told them they suck for the hundredth time, and the dog just ate the meal they cooked when they had to leave the room for five minutes. We are all riding a roller coaster.
I am self-employed and single. When I was forced to close shop on March 15th, and stopped having any income source – I still had two properties to support. Home and business expenses kept coming, and I started a slow, quiet panic. I knew I’d be OK – for a short time… but for how long? Most small businesses, as I’m sure you know by all the people asking you to not forget them during this crisis, run on very small margins.
I filed for unemployment as, for the first time, self-employed folks are eligible to apply with the new Pandemic Unemployment Assistance. I got word that my claim was approved and filed my first one yesterday. When I checked on the dollar amount this morning, it was …. ZERO. I applied for one of the SBA disaster loans. My claim number was 3,302,753,XXX. A friend told me that number represents the number of claims that have been filed. Even if that’s not possible … Yikes! Didn’t leave me feeling very hopeful.
So, I did what I do. Cried for a few moments, and once I got it all out of my system, began looking for other solutions. Then took a walk. In the woods. It never ceases to be a healing source for me. As I walked down the trail, these tiny landscapes kept catching my eye. I had to get down on the forest floor to make this image. Look at all the growth that’s going on there! Saplings, blades of grass, flowers … It brought me so much hope for some reason. Maybe it’s the restorative effect of spring, trusting in the cycle of life, regrowth, and rebirth. These small shoots having the courage to find their spot in the larger forest. Or maybe it was just crawling on my knees to get eye level to this scene that reminded me to change my perspective in general. The image isn’t in focus … but neither are our lives right now. Everything is a little fuzzy. And that’s OK.
I’m sharing this in hopes it reaches someone else who may be in similar shoes. To let you know you’re not alone. It can be tough to repeatedly, sometimes mindlessly, hear
#we’re all in this together –
when, while yes, we are all staying home in a united effort to protect the collective health and well-being of all – no situation is the same. And I think people really need to be seen. Witnessed. Acknowledged. Not just thrown a hashtag.
To some this is an inconvenience. It’s hard and a struggle, but they are working from home, maintaining an income, and will largely be OK. To some people it means being in danger. There are many in domestic violence situations right now who are living their days in fear. To some it means not being able to buy food for their children. To some it means losing their livelihood. I’ve already witnessed small businesses closing for good. Not just temporarily during this pandemic.
Please know wherever you are, however you’re felling – it’s OK. It’s OK to have decided you’re going to get in shape to run a marathon during this time – and it’s also OK if you’re going to eat cookies and binge watch TV. Nobody else knows how your new life is really affecting you – except for you. So please don’t compare yourself to others. Try to find ways to be gentle and kind to yourself, and reach out if you’re feeling alone. And try to really witness the people who reach out to you. Don’t just throw them a blanket statement of how we’ll all get through this. That’s not going to look the same for anyone. You may not be able to fix anything for them, but acknowledging their personal struggles throughout all this may help them feel held, truly connected, truly seen, and bolstered up to trudge forward.
Tania Palermo [Studio on Main] 